


Always The One Left Behind

by slf630



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Compliant - mostly, M/M, Pining, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pre-Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 14:04:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15730917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slf630/pseuds/slf630
Summary: Steve honestly doesn't know how many more times he can stand losing Bucky.





	Always The One Left Behind

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so late to the Marvel party. I just started watching a few months ago. These are a few little ficlets I wrote to get used to writing for a totally new fandom. There are some spoilers for Captain America: Civil War and Avengers: Infinity War so be warned if you haven't seen them.

Steve inhales slowly, unconsciously taking a deep breath just as Bucky takes his last. He wants to close his eyes, wants to turn away, hell, even wants to pull him out of that chamber even though it was Bucky’s choice and he has to honor that. He just doesn’t know how many damn times he’s going to have to lose his best friend, how many times they have to be so cruelly ripped apart before it’s all over. Can’t they just get a win for once that doesn’t come with such horrible consequences?  
  
Despite what he said to Tony, Steve knows deep down that he’s the one that tore the Avengers apart and he did it all for the man in front of him. The thing is, he’d do it again and not even think twice about it. He lost half his friends, half his team, his _family_ , all to try to save Bucky and ended up losing him as well. He can’t help but wonder if it’s starting to become all for nothing.   
  
But he knows that he won’t stop. Bucky wouldn’t want him to. He’ll leave Wakanda and he’ll break Sam, Clint, Wanda and Scott out of their floating prison. He’ll even send Tony an apology, an offer for help if he needs it, an… olive branch, if you will.   
  
He’ll even suit up and head into the next battle, no matter what it may be, no matter which of his friends are fighting at his back and at his side. He’ll keep fighting because that’s what Bucky would do, what he _did_ do, despite all that Hydra did to him. He’ll fight for his team, for his country, he’ll fight because it’s the right thing to do. But mostly, he’ll fight because of the man that he’s once again losing.  
  
Steve doesn’t know what tomorrow will bring, doesn’t have much of a plan aside from getting what remains of his friends back. He doesn’t know what the next big fight will be, doesn’t know if they’ll win, if they’ll lose, if they’ll die fighting for what’s right. He doesn’t know if he and Bucky have one more chance left or if this is it. He does know Bucky enough to know that if the Wakandans can’t truly fix what Hydra did to him that he won’t come out of the ice again.   
  
And that’s the thing that scares him the most.  
  
___________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Steve pulls away from Bucky before he really wants to, well aware of Nat, Sam, T’Challa, Bruce, Rhodey, Wanda and Vision, as well as nearly half the Wakandan army, surrounding them. He’s here for a reason and that’s sadly not to lose himself in Bucky like he so desperately wants to. This isn’t the first time he’s seen Bucky since Shuri undid what Hydra planted in his brain but those stolen visits every few weeks were never enough. Steve knows that he could spend the rest of forever in the circle of Bucky’s arms and it would never be enough, not really. They’ve been through _so much_ , been torn apart so many times, that even the rest of eternity isn’t long enough to make up for it.  
  
Seeing Bucky smile – _really_ smile – is like the sun breaking through the dark clouds of a seemingly never-ending storm. On the occasions that Steve was able to get away from Nat and Sam long enough for a secret trip to Wakanda – although he doubts it was _really_ all that secret; aside from Bucky, Nat and Sam are his closest friends and they know him pretty well – things always seemed so rushed, the few days he could stay flying by, he and Bucky trying to cram seventy years of missing time into the mere hours they had. Don’t get Steve wrong, _some_ time is better than _no_ time – he lived through that, he knows _exactly_ how it feels – but, again, eternity would fall short of being enough to satisfy, to make up for all that they lost.  
  
Unfortunately, the days they spent together were also filled with, at times, weird, awkward silences, moments they couldn’t even look at each other, that were never there before – before the war, SHIELD, Hydra and all the things that went wrong and tore them apart. It was heartbreaking, knowing that no matter how hard they try, they will never be as they once were. He gets it, they’ve both been through _so much_ – Bucky more than himself – and they aren’t the same kids they used to be, but it still hurts to lose even a part of their history, a part of _them_.   
  
He knows that Bucky is still trying to adjust and still carries so much guilt – no matter how many times Steve assures him it wasn’t his fault. Steve went through the same thing when he first came out of the ice. But he didn’t have Hydra using him, molding him into something he wasn’t. Steve also had the Avengers, then Sam, a new family he built for himself, while Bucky had no one.  
  
Not to mention that Steve has had more time to come to terms with the feelings he has for Bucky – always had if he wants to be honest – than Bucky has. They’ve never talked about it, even though Steve can see the same longing, the same love, in Bucky’s eyes that he knows are in his own. Back when they were growing up, it wasn’t right to love another man as much, as well as _how_ , Steve loved Bucky. He spent so long pushing it down, burying it under friendship and brotherhood, that he still has a bit of trouble accepting it to this day, even though the world is vastly different and it’s okay now to love who you love, to be who you are.  
  
Maybe if they were just regular guys, if the whole world didn’t know them, he and Bucky could’ve already settled down somewhere and finally been _happy_.   
  
Or maybe Bucky doesn’t feel the same for Steve at all, maybe it’s all in his imagination and he’d lose Bucky for real if he ever found out the truth. Maybe he’s projecting his own feelings, seeing what he wants so desperately to see when Bucky looks at him. Oh, he knows that Bucky loves him, there’s no doubt about that, but maybe for Bucky it really _is_ just friendship and brotherhood, just their history – unique as it is – that still binds them together.  
  
Steve doesn’t have the first clue how to even ask or talk about it, doesn’t know how that conversation would go. How does Steve tell Bucky that he was wrong, that Peggy wasn’t his one great, true love? How does Steve tell Bucky that all he wanted to do was die every time Bucky was so cruelly torn from him? How does Steve tell Bucky that he’s the man he is today because all he ever wanted was to make Bucky proud? How does Steve explain that walking away from the Avengers, from Captain America, for Bucky was never even a real choice?  
  
How do you look your best friend in the eye and tell him that he’s the love of your life?  
  
Maybe after this battle he’ll find the courage. Maybe after one last war together, Steve will finally be able to say all the things he’s wanted to say for nearly a century. Maybe once they defeat Thanos they can retire, finally settle down somewhere that no one knows them and just _be_. Maybe right here in Wakanda.  
  
They’ve damn-well earned it.  
  
___________________________________________________________________________________  
  
“Steve?”  
  
Steve half staggers to the spot where Bucky just stood, his entire body trembling as he falls to one knee. He’s almost afraid to touch but he can’t stop himself from reaching out, his hand shaking as his fingers brush against the pile of ashes that used to be his _everything_. He can hear Bucky’s voice echoing in his head, his _heart_ , saying his name as he started to disintegrate into dust before Steve’s eyes. The confusion, the tinge of fear, in Bucky’s tone still resonates inside him and he knows he’ll hear it for the rest of his life.   
  
Even at the worst of times, Steve has always been a soldier. He’s always known his enemy, know what – or more often than not, _who_ – he was fighting for. For the first time ever, he’s at a complete loss. He’s lost Bucky before – too many damn times – and they all felt pretty permanent at the time but somehow this feels different.   
  
How the hell can he fix _this_?  
  
He blinks, can see the panic in Thor’s eyes, can hear the same panic in Rhodey’s voice, his already broken – _destroyed_ – heart somehow shattering even more… Sam, Wanda, T’Challa, Vision, so many more… He turns Vision over, knowing exactly what he was going to see but does it anyway. He falls backward, lands on his ass, staring off into the distance.  
  
“Oh God,” Steve breathes, barely a whisper, throat tight, his eyes stinging with unshed tears. He can’t let himself cry, knows that if he does he’ll never stop.  
  
From what he can gather, it’s only him, Nat, Bruce, Thor and Rhodey left. He’s not sure what happened to Tony, can only pray that he managed to make it through somehow. They had the biggest, the _best_ , army and they still _lost_. He doesn’t know what to do with that.  
  
And the tragedies that they suffered on the battlefield are sadly not even _half_ of it.   
  
How the hell are _they_ going to fix _this_?   
  



End file.
